22 February 2006

they just don't understand about the shit that i've been thru

when i started this blog, i wanted to use it just to write. in the back of my mind, i wanted to write funny things. i'm a pretty funny broad. but lately, i don't know. in the recesses of my personality, i haven't felt that funny lately. i still make people around me laugh, but inside, i'm not laughing.

all the problems with my health are starting to get to me. it seems as soon as one thing is fixed, something else crops up. one again, i'm living on vicodin. not to the extent i was over the summer, and certainly not enough to prompt an addiction or intervention, but just enough to get by.

today i go for an MRI. cervical spine, no contrast. i have numbness in my left hand, and constant pain in my shoulders/neck. i don't know what the solution to this will be, because based on the xrays, instead of the upper part of my spine being curved, it's straight. how does one fix that? if surgery is involved, come hell or high water, they're doing it as outpatient. i hate hospitals. i hate going to them, hate staying in them, hate everything about them. regardless of any miraculous healing that happens within their walls, in my mind, it's where you go to die.

i'm one of those everything happens for a reason people. i don't let things upset me, because it happened for a reason. my body is so fucked up for a reason. i'm in pain for a reason. i don't know what that reason is, and i may never know, but there's a reason. but you know what? i have been through so much shit in my life, that i'm wondering when the time will come that it will all be easy. lifelong depression, suicidal teen years, anorexia, 4 year abusive relationship, a series of slightly-less abusive relationships, finding my soul mate but losing her due to geography, losing babies, unknown illnesses. it just goes on and on. i've had more nervous breakdowns than any one person should. but it's all for a reason. i just try to keep that in mind when i start getting too upset. i don't like people making a fuss over me. i'm independant and self-sufficient, and i beat the odds, and have survived and at times i almost thrive.

but sometimes, i'd really just like a break.

I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same

People don't know bout the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long

Maybe I forgot all the things I've missed
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in and people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine, no I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that thin line
So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why

1 comment:

trueborn said...

Amen Sister.

Not everyone gets to coast. Some of us have it hard, and the way you choose to see that strife that defines you. I'm glad to hear that you put a some stock in Karma, you'll get yours. It's only a matter of time.