24 April 2006

Babies Babies Babies

After what my Dad said the other day about wanting a grandson, I have been near obsessing about getting pregnant. I've been checking out CryoBanks (the PC name for sperm banks I guess), reviewing donors, thinking about men who have offered to father children for me no-strings-attached, and talking to my lawyer (also my best friend forevah) about the contractual aspects of that. I joined a few communities on livejournal that cater to both women choosing single parenthood, and women wanting to get pregnant. One thing about one of them that bothers me is the use of the word "womyn." Look, I'm a half dyke, I love broads, but let me tell you something. We'd be nowhere without men. Don't disrepect your father by attempting to remove the 'men' from women. Be strong, be courageous, be your own person, but realise that it took a man to make you. Anyway I'm digressing.

I am not really in a good positoin to have a baby. I just did my budget for next month, and I have $0 extra after bills and groceries. I can not afford day care, nor would I want my child raised by someone else. I can not afford to quit my job and be without insurance. However, I likely could afford all of it if I moved home, either into my family's home, or perhaps into a house on their property (which would need to be built).

It is a lot to think about and it is near-overwhelming. Missy's got 4 kids, and I know what it costs to raise a baby, even in just the first year. Not only what it costs financially, but the toll it takes emotionally. But I can't help the need within me, anymore than I can help the devilsh thoughts of how can I get pregnant without investing a lot of time and money into the act? I would almost rather use donor sperm, because at least then there is an extensive medical and familial history, in addition to their entire educational history, likes, dislikes, etc, all laid out. And it's so cheap now - about $400 to buy and transport the sperm and have it inserted by my OB/GYN.

One day, things in my life will start to go right, nd I will stop obsessing about things I want and will likely never have. Until then, I will continue obsession-hopping. I hope I don't drive myself insane in the interim.

1 comment:

gizmorox said...

No. NoNoNoNo.

Not to be heartless, but if Dad wants a grandkid, he can take care of the four he has. You should not feel pressure to have your own just because his grandfather clock is ticking. I know Missy's aren't biologically his, but he's blessed to have those good kids around. Don't go throwing your life out of whack because of a sense of familial duty. No matter how much his desire for you to pass on his genes, I'm willing to bet he'd rather you be able to take care of yourself first.

xoxo