17 April 2006

Nothing you want to read

That one adage that was always beaten into my head when I was in my late teens/early 20s was, a writer writes - always. So even when I don't really have fuckall to say, i try to force myself to write, even if it's inane rambling that will make you wish you had those 10 minutes of your life back after reading it. I don't really write in this blog for anyone but me. I guess people read it, but if they do, they do, if they don't, that's cool too. My other journal is written kind of for other people.

So maybe this is the place where I write about how I'm reaching that point again of, yeah, ok, I give up. I spent the time before I fell asleep last night, fantasizing about winning the lottery, what I would buy, how I would furnish my house, where I would want to live, what I would do for my friends. Money is the fucking bane of my existence. I make almost 30% more now than I did a year and a half ago, and I am still always struggling. I can't figure it out. And I know that in that one job in Baltimore, I was making $7/month LESS than my fixed monthly expenditures. So now I'm making enough and still coming up kinda short on things. IE; cable bill didn't get paid this month. Whoops. I have to remember to call them and see if they'll extend me of a courtesy to not shut my ass off til the end of the month, since I can pay then.

I don't know if it's money and the associated problems that are dragging me down, or if it's the fact that the only love I have is my family. I don't get excited for much of anything except going to see them, hanging out with the babies, hanging out with Missy, whatev. But this weekend, I was in a fit to leave Saturday night, instead of staying for Easter. For no particular reason. I mean, I wanted to watch hockey cause it's the last weekend of the regular season, but that aside, not much to really care about. I just wanted to be home.

It's things like this that make me start worrying about the direction of my life, and the state of current affairs. All I ever want to do is sleep, and if I had the means, it's all I ever would do. That can't be healthy.

1 comment:

gizmorox said...

Nonsense! You love meeee! :)

Sounds like somebody has a case of the Tuesdays. Loves come and go, my dear, do not get in the dumps because all you have now is babies. Babies are goodness. Something weird will come out of nowhere when you're not expecting and your life will go straight back up the hill of joy. Trust me, I know all about the coming out of nowhere bit.