29 April 2006

Soulmates and strength

Do you have a platonic soulmate? Someone you love so much you would do anything in your power for, even if it stretched your boundaries, and know they would do the same for you? Someone you would marry in a second if you had that type of relationship, if they were of the proper sex, if they were not already married? BJ is mine.

I've only known BJ a couple years, and we've never actually met. It's funny how this internet thing can create such closeness between people without any tangible facet being involved. Yet I have no doubt our relationship will be just as strong in person. The only other person in this world I have felt this close with, in person or online, was someone I met through the internet, and married nine years ago.

BJ is who I call when I have a problem, when I am upset, when I am excited, when I am bored. And she does the same with me. She's the most wonderful, caring, intelligent, charming person I think I have ever known. I can not write enough to touch the compatibility we have. She is my best everything, in a lot of ways. She understands me, and I her, in ways no one else does.

Our daddies went in for CAT scans on the same day, for different reasons. My dad's showed nothing. Her dad's showed clotting in the braing, and an anyeurism waiting to happen. He was put into a medically induced coma in order to reduce the excess swelling in the brain, so tha tthey would be able to operate afterwards and clear the blockage. He developed an infection in the process, and they also had to treat that while he was under. They brought him back out of it two or three days after he was put under, and he was still somewhat responsive - he could squeeze his hand, and was communicating by blinking his eyes. Since then, in a manner of about a week, he has worsened. I don't remember the right phrase for this, but he is in a catatonic state right now. His eyes are open, but he does not see. He can breathe on his own, but only because it is a natural response. He is on life support, and will occasionally suffer spasms that seem like responses, but the doctors assure the family they are involuntary.

Uncle Doug named BJ as the one in the family to make the medical decisions, as she is a lawyer. Being our age, having to carry the weight of making a decision like that is devastating, and overwhelming. For the past week, we have been discussing what she should do, the possibilities of what will happen when she does, how she and her family are handling, and will handle, it. She is calm about it, BJ is. She's spent the past week working through the pain of knowing she is losing her Daddy. And much like me, she is a Daddy's girl. She is calm, and believes she is ready for the inevitable. I told her I think that she may well be perfectly mentally prepared, but when the worst happens, to not be surprised or upset if she falls apart. She is such a strong woman, and feels lik eshe can't fall apart, that she has to stay strong for her mom, and her brother and sister, and her husband and son. "Baby girl, no one in the world is going to fault you if you fall apart when your Daddy passes." She hears me, she knows I am right, but she still will have a hard time letting herself do it.

On Friday, she made the decision to take Uncle Doug off the life support. She said it's to be done today, the day of the NFL draft. All her life, she and Uncle Doug watched the NFL draft together, and made a day of it. And today, her daddy lays in Grady Memorial hospital in Atlanta, slowly dying, his body ceasing function. Her brother told her he was taking her to a bar somewhere, and they were going to watch the NFL draft, make a day of it, and he was not taking no for an answer. Slowly, B is accepting that he is now the man of the family, and taking care of his girls. BJ said her heart is broken that she will no longer get to watch the draft with her daddy, dicuss picks, next year's teams, and just be with him. But she won't break her brother's heart by refusing his efforts to soothe.

My heart breaks for her family, for Little Aunt Donna, for all the lives Uncle Doug has touched and will only be a part of in memory soon, but most of all, my heart breaks for BJ because all I can do is offer her my support, give her an ear to vent to, a shoulder to lean on, and do small things to make her laugh and take her mind off it.

Most of all, my heart breaks because the first time we meet could be at her Daddy's funeral. If she needs or wants me, I will go. I will hold her up, just like I held my own family up when Deb died, because much like BJ, that's what I do.

The time has come in my life when I am not so much amazed that I am now an adult, and no longer a child, but rather, that I am proud of the adult I have become, of the person I am, and I am incredibly grateful for the experiences I have had that made me this person. I just am hoping and waiting for the time when life is easier, without so much heartache, and I only have to be strong if I choose to be, not because I need to be. Until then, I will keep on holding everyone up, and know they are right there next to me when I need to be held.

2 comments:

Aeroplanic said...

Dude, that is one of the best things you've ever written. Seriously. I'm sorry for your poor friend and her dad and her family. What an awful decision to have to make.

Lisa said...

Gah. The whole situation makes me wanna bawl my eyes out. I feel so bad for her.