13 April 2006

Wordless

I hate that feeling of, God I need to write something. Usually because it means I don't have anything to say, and what I do say will come off forced at best, disjointed and incoherent at worst. Today's Passover, which really, means fuckall to me. I don't even know what day Jesus rose from the dead. I'm so not religious, and I kind of like it that way. My parents never took me to church and never forced religion on me. To the point where, when my father and I went to his aunt's funeral in January, I felt like the people speaking in such reverent tones of joining the flock, and let Jesus take away your sins, were attempting to recruit me into a cult. I didn't like it one bit. In my mind, I imagine some type of greater being. I also imagine it to be a female, and she's kind and loving - not unlike God in the Matrix. But more ethereal.Why am I talking about God and religion? I have nothing to say really.

One of my best friends and I have been attempting to get together on the weekend for about 3 months now. She lives only 40 minutes away, but between going home to see the babies, and wanting weekends of being left the hell alone, I haven't had a chance to go see her. Today I emailed her and asked her to pencil me in for next weekend. She replies that she'll have to check with her boyfriend to see if they have plans. Now this is indeed a normal response, however, ever since this woman and I have been friends (about 4 years now) the closest she has ever been to a relationship is having a crush on a mutual friend of ours. I'm really excited for her, because she's a great lady and deserves to share her life with someone. But I'm also a bit jealous because fuck, she's more antisocial than I am, and more withdrawn, and here I sit with no one. In some ways, that's OK though, because I still don't like who I am when I'm in a relationship. But I haven't had a relationship since Jeff. Off the top of my head I'm not entirely sure when that ended, but let's say December 2002. So closing in on four years. And Jeff is now married to my sister. So you can see why I may be a bit gunshy. I know a day will come when I find someone but it's disconcerting when all the bitter, cynical, single friends I have are finding relationships to revel in.

My mom and I traded emails back and forth today for a bit. I didn't really have anything to say to her. I don't really have anything to say to anyone. I don't know if I've lost my words, or just my muse.

2 comments:

Aeroplanic said...

Or maybe you've lost YOUR MIND!:):)

Bah, some days there's just nothing TO say. Dormant periods happen. Hell, I have nothing to say any day but I say it anyway:)

gizmorox said...

easter. that's why it's the holiest of days. just so you know. and it really is a cult, no two ways about it.