30 July 2006

It's all gone

This weekend was the worst I've had since Daddy died. Everything I'd had stored with my parents - at their house and in their storage room - is gone. Destroyed, thrown away, gone. The worst injustice was the beautiful mahogany finish cedar hope chest Daddy made me when I was in high school, the one piece of furniture I've had that was mine, that no one gave me as a cast off, but was mine. It was broken beyond repair somehow, and thrown away when it "couldn't be fixed." My step mother told me this as if she was discussing having the oil changed in her car. When I started crying almost uncontrollably she told me "don't go in the house crying because Amber will see you, and she'll start crying." No concern whatsoever for me. No concern whatsoever for anything that isn't hers anymore. My sister said she would give me her hope chest - which I knew she didn't want to give up. But I told her no - that Daddy made mine for me, and hers for her, and that mine is just gone.

During the 2 hour ride home, I came to terms with accepting that everything I'd had is now gone. Everything that I did not have here in my apartment, it's no longer. I can't even really remember what everything was, and I think that's for the best. But I am filled with rage at the callous attitude with which my things, things my step mother knew were important to me because we have discussed how to get them up to me in the past few months, have been treated.

Adding insult to injury, when I took Amber out to the pool, I was stung by a hornet. The last time that happened, I was 5 years old, and had a terrifying allergic reaction. Daddy threw me into his truck and was doing well over 100mph to the closest clinic - 90 miles away. He was stopped by the police and then given an escort. I'm surprised that truck held together at that speed - I would have thought the duct tape and plastic ties holding it all in place would have fallen off. This time, little happened until this morning, and now the finger that was stung is inflamed, itching, and very uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about it other than ice it and let it be. What scares me is that the hornet was on the underside of the boogie board Amber was sitting on and thank God it was me it stung, because if it had been her, I think there would have been a nuclear meltdown.

The final injustice was finding out that Daddy's business has been appraised as being worth approximately the cost of a semester's tuition.

It's always possible things can get worse - I've lived through "it got worse," so I'll never say that. But I will say that if it does get worse, no promises I won't be the one having the nuclear meltdown.

No comments: