17 September 2006

Celebrant!

In the five or so years I've had my Officiant's license, I've never actually done anything with it, except occasionally brag (threaten?) that I'm able to marry people. Until today, when I re-married two of my best friends, in a gazebo on the grounds of a quaint, historic bed-and-breakfast upstate. And I got a couple future jobs out of it as well, because of my eloquence and professional speaking. Instead of focusing on the romance of the weekend, I'd rather focus on the funny.

Like when I put a glass of champagne in my cleavage, then picked it up and drank it using only my mouth. Because I'm a lady of class and refinement. Or when the bride, maid-of-honour and I were waiting in the darkened dining room for our cue, and the MoH got up to use the restroom, and the bride half-raised out of her straight-backed chair and let out a rather loud fart. The MoH, six months pregnant, paused, turned, and remarked that it sounded rather juicy. The bride stood swish her 236 layers of tulle to disperse the smell, and I checked the back of her dress for any stains. Or maybe the two stops we made on the way home, one for the best man to puke all over the highway, one for his wife to pee behind a closed gas station in a shady part of town. As she ran out of the limo, knees knocking, feet bare, I threw my flip-flops at her and yelled "You need shoes, Britney!"

Speaking of the limo, this weekend's festivites has brought my limo-ride count to a whopping three. And I have one damned question. What is up with the pinpoint coloured lights and neon tubes snaking all over the place? And further, how come you never see that shit in limos in the movies, unless it's like a disco party limo? I've been in a 56 Corvette limo, a regular Lincoln, and an Expedition, and they had exactly the same style of starlights and neon tubes. I spent the ride home staring a tthe pinpoints and flicking a nail over them.

I got home at 1 am. It's now 530. I have not slept. I didn't sleep last night either. I am really fucking tired. I hope this made a semblence of sense.

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