12 September 2006

Non-Sequiturs

Every 2nd decade, I clean out my purse. This always nets me interesting discoveries and self-conversations, such as:

"When the hell did I go to that bar and why do I have 11 packs of matches from it?"
"What the fuck is that key for?"
"Is that pasta??"
"Do I ever throw a receipt away?"
"Marble?"
"ELEVEN lip glosses? I can never remember to put this shit on! Why do I keep buying it?!"

When my oldest nephew was anywhere from 5-to-yesterday, he had marbles. Being the awesome auntie that I am, I would periodically thieve the really cool ones from him. And now, for some reason, they reside in my purse. Probably tossed in there when I moved so they'd be "in a safe place." And sometimes I'll feel through my purse trying to find a lighter, or some keys, perhaps a pen to stab myself in the neck with. I always wind up fingering a marble in the process and thinking of the nephew. Of course, if he ever found this out, he'd think I was a freak. ..... Not that he doesn't anyway.
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Boobs, in my opinion, were designed to be shelves. To catch any and everything that may fall from your hand or lips while eating, and said crumbs will then work their way down into your bra and under a boob until such point as you take off your bra, and in the process of massaging your bra-wearing boobs, you feel a strange bump, which you examine immediately in the mirror, and start to Totally Freak Out until you remember you had a brownie earlier today. They're also pretty advantageous for tossing things down your sister's shirt - it makes a nice goal area. Just saying.
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For the company's super extravagant Christmas party At A Resort, I've found a great dress to wear that will hopefully not be the DEBACLE that the dress of 2005 was (note: double-stick Hollywood Tape does NOT WORK when you are a D cup and not wearing a bra), but now I am obsessing over what shoes will best match. And I want closed shoes with toe cleavage. Just a peek of toe. A hint of toe. One requiring a partial pedi. I have gorgeous feet, and I like leaving something to the imagination. Who knew there were so fucking many varieties of toe-cleavage-having pumps? Zappos, I hate you. No I don't, don't leave!
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Hey remember the other day when I said I was selling my car? My mother, who I have not seen in a few years and with whom I only converse via email, disagreed, and is sending me the money to Pay The Car Off In Full. This is beyond super-great. I have a tiny amount of guilt over not paying for the whole car myself, but hello? I was fucked on the interest rate, and I have paid for the principle of the car 1.5 times over. But besides that, I can now put a sticker on it that says "Don't laugh - it's paid for!" Should we start a pool over how long until I hit something? Thanks Mommy!
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Sweet Aidenbaby stood up by himself, without aid of a table or anything to pull up, for the first time today. Aah, milestones.
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Saturday, I'm officiating a renewal of vows ceremony for some friends of mine. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WEAR. It's all up to me - the "bride" has no opinion. "Whatever you want to wear. You want to wear a furry costume, have at it." This then led me to wonder where one might get a furry costume, and what type of animal I would be. Before I let that train of thought go too far down the track of insanity, I decided on a nice black suit. Because apparently I can also officiate at funerals.


4 comments:

gizmorox said...

Yay for Mom! That's very cool. Hooray for keeping little Echo.

chelene said...

Awesome news about the car!

Also, double stick tape doesn't work? OF COURSE it doesn't work, my dear Tippy!! Anything above a C (I'm DD) and you need something more durable! However, I have successfully used those adhesive faux-bras that are sold in your finer departments stores (as well as your local sex/lingerie shop).

Tippy said...

Chel: You know, I totally wanted to get those, but I ran out of time because it was all done very last minute (which is why I'm doing the shopping for a party on 12/16 NOW!). But hooooooo boy did I look ridiculous. "Hi, these are my breasts. May we have wine?"

Lisa said...

Your mom needs to adopt me.