26 October 2006

Deletia

I deleted the missbaudelaire journal. I'm not ready for it right now. I'm not ready for much of anything but a week's paid vacation at a psych ward, except I'm not even sure right now if that will help. I'm at the disadvantaged point of not having or seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be funny. I wanted to post quips and vignettes from my day because I make people laugh all the time. I still make people laugh, but I have to reach for it. I can fall back on it easily enough after nearly 20 years of being "the funny one." I guess it's second nature, and that's a saving grace because if it wasn't, then how I feel would be apparent to everyone.

My weekly exercise/homework from my shrink is to focus on how I feel, and not what I think. I don't have a single positive word to describe how I feel right now. Apathy. Ambivalence. Disregard. Discontent. Discouraged. Uncomfortable.

Somehow, I have managed to plunge nearly head-first into an open maw of despair. It was a lot easier when I was just sliding down, because at least, metaphorically speaking, there were rocks and tree roots, to use to arrest the fall. But now, there's nothing to grab onto, nothing to pull myself up with.

I've reached the point of not being able to do daily chores until it reaches a point of necessity. My therapist is somewhat alarmed by this, but they've added another anti-depressant to my stable of maintenance drugs.

I keep being assured that I can be fixed, that this can be fixed, that things will get better. But I can't see what the point is to it. I don't know if I even want to.

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